Nomad Radio

Advice Music Posted by Gargleman

Advice columns have moved on since the days when your choice was either pinching your sister’s Just17 to discover what “fingering” was (something to do with classical guitar?) or reading Woman’s Own in the dentist’s waiting room find out how to get your sex drive swinging again in your sixties.

The Sun came as something of an eye-opener for the teenage Gargleman, with its Dear Deirdre column and her photo casebook, though it did give me some strange ideas about sex (does everyone really wear a bra and panties during a threesome?). Then there was Viz’s Photo Stories, which weren’t advice, but were occasionally very funny.

Now, the internets have arrived and suddenly everyone has advice for you. Confused about life? Humiliate yourself at Yahoo Answers and sarcy little shits will explain your utter failure to you. Polyandrous/gay/into kinky shit (sometimes literally)? Dan Savage will give you often graphic advice that would make Dear Deirdre blush.

Need your advice in a musical format? Wondering where this post is going? Well, I just came across the lovely Rachel Zylstra’s Advice Music, which is kind of like Rebecca Mayes’ musical video games reviews, but with slightly less catchy songs. Which is weird considering Zylstra is an actual minor alt-pop-star. But it has got potential, for sure, especially if people start giving her more interesting problems to write songs about.

So – musical video game reviews: check. Musical problem pages: check. What’s next? Musical youtube party political broadcasts? What? The Greens did that back in 2006? God, I’m so out of the loop…

Exploitation exploitation exploitation Posted by Gargleman

Two recent films, or rather trailers, got me thinking.

If you’re making an exploitation movie that isn’t tongue-in-cheek, you better be a fine fucking film-maker. Because the above trailer for Frankenpimp makes it look awesomely dodgy and probably worth watching with a few mates and a four-pack. Whereas Run Bitch, Run! (link really NSFW) looks a bit shit, and despite a House Of The Dead: Overkill style trailer and the copious levels of nudity and gore, I’d still probably rather watch Frankenpimp.

Actually, even the best “serious” exploitation films (Cannibal Holocaust, Beyond the Darkness aka Buio Omega, Last House on the Left) were made by people who at other times in their career churned out some of the least watchable movies ever made. Take the directors of those three movies: Ruggero Deodato also made the tedious Bodycount (aka Camping del Terrore), Joe D’Amato (aka Aristide Massaccesi) also cobbled together the inexplicable Erotic Nights of the Living Dead and Wes Craven made, or presumably shat out, Vampire in Brooklyn. Take heed!

A 70 minute film about The Phantom Menace… Posted by Gargleman

…which also happens to be far, far more enjoyable than actually sitting through Star Wars: The Phantom Menace itself.

If you think that Jar Jar Binks is the beginning and the end of why this movie sucks, think again: this series of seven YouTube clips by RedLetterMedia is the funniest thing I’ve seen in ages, and also contains some genuinely insightful moments to boot.

The original and worst? Posted by Gargleman

After reading this post about hating retro gaming I got to thinking: is the original also the best? Or is retro retarded? So here is Nomad Radio’s unacceptably geeky handy guide so you know what to think.

OBEY.

Movies

C3P0's mum

As RottenTomatoes “Top 50 science fiction films” shows, genre pioneers like Metropolis (1927) are still highly regarded. Directed by Fritz Lang, Metropolis was one of the earliest science fiction movies and was hugely influential on everything from Star Wars’s C3PO to Tim Burton’s Batman. It is also almost totally unwatchable and should be avoided unless you are a film student. Or George Lucas.

VERDICT: Original is worst. Really. Forget Serenity or Star Wars, I’d rather watch a compilation of the Anakin/Padme love scenes on repeat for two hours than watch Metropolis again. Though I’d rather watch stray dogs fight over the rotting carcass of a tramp than either. › Continue reading

Cultural review of 2009: was it shit? Posted by Gargleman

The mainstream musical highlight of 2009 actually came back in January with the release of Animal Collective’s magnificent My Girls (above).

As for February to December: for shame. Yes, that was an official shaming.

Music: There has been some very good stuff on Nomad Radio, of course, in particular the Borland track, Wildlife, that appears at the beginning of the Mind On Fire Podcast 2. But my own favoured genre, indie/rock/pop/blah has all been a bit cack, to be honest.

Movies: The best movies I saw all year were old – a download of the confusingly great Primer (2004) and the criminally neglected Kiss Kiss Bang Bang (2005) on the TV. Of the dozen or so movies I went to see at the cinema, I can’t remember any except the excellent District 9 and the predictable fun of Star Trek, so the rest were quite probably all shit.

To sum up: C+, and that’ll be an D- if I start seeing “Best of the Noughties” articles in every newspaper and blog over the next few weeks. I really hate the term “noughties” and best of the year posts/articles are so fucking lazy, god…

Great Battles of Modern Life: Athlete’s Foot vs Sexual Paranoia Posted by Gargleman

You call that rain? In my day I'd call that sunny and I'd be made to go sunbathing and I'd be grateful.

I’m on a trip to the Lake District.

It is November and raining almost continuously.

I’ve brought two pairs of shoes with me, both of which are full of holes. One of them starts squelching like a wet fart when I walk. I need new shoes.

We pass a shoe-shop on the way to Sedbergh that promises “top brands at 50% off”. (Translation: “We sell Hi-Techs for more money than you’d pay in Harrods”)

I’m desperate, so I squelch into the shop, leaving my wife hiding from the rain in the car. Now, in order to get new shoes I’m going to have to try them on. My feet, however, are literally soaking.

Option 1: Use the shop sock when trying on shoes.
Option 2: Try to select some shoes without letting the assistant near my feet.

Let us examine these two terrifying possibilities: › Continue reading

Saskrotch: Chiptune Breaks Posted by Gargleman

Miss Anders… I didn’t recognize you with your clothes on.

This new(ish) release on 8bitpeoples, the weblabel chiefs of chiptune, is by the delightfully named Saskrotch, who has given his EP the equally lovely name, I’ll Have You Naked By The End Of This ROM.

My favourite track is probably this one right here, which I don’t feel at all guilty about posting, because like all the best people, 8bitpeoples music is all free to download from their website.

Including the whole of this Saskrotch EP, plus 101 other 8bitpeoples releases, all of which come with artwork, which makes a lovely change in these digital/piratical days.

Saskritch – We Are High Speed (Nurrbody in this bitch get chipsy remix):

Saskrotch – We Are High Speed (Remix)

Sir Patrick Moore on Pop Posted by Gargleman

Oi! Patrick Moore!

Sir Patrick Moore, known as The Gamesmaster to many of my generation, has also secretly been carrying on as an astronomer and presenter of The Sky At Night since, oh, about ten minutes after the BBC was invented.

Anyway – between all of that video gaming and stargazing, it seems he doesn’t have a lot of time for modern music, as suggested by his review of Muse’s Supermassive Black Hole and from The Quietus:

Sir Patrick says: “I remember this one! I think it’s dreadful.”

And his review of Pink Floyd › Continue reading

FutureEverything: Zu & Kong – Islington Mill Posted by Gargleman

I didn't take this photo. I nicked it off Kong's MySpace page. I did take photos at the gig but my horrible temporary new phone - a Samsung SGH-U600 - has an awful camera and the photos are just grainy blurs.

Crazy-eyed, boiler-suited and masked up like B-movie psychos, Kong were a fine opening to the evening. Ear-savaging distorted punk and waves of feedback were accompanied by uncanny bouts of wide-eyed, paranoid staring, globs of spit coming out from behind the mask and the odd screamed threat of violence towards the audience. Delicious.

Held at the exquisitely grimy Islington Mill (exquisite, that is, so long as you don’t need to use the loo for having a poo), this was the opening pre-gig to Manchester’s unnecessarily-renamed FutureSonic festival (now called FutureEverything). And when I say pre-gig, I should add that the festival doesn’t actually start until May 12th 2010 – seven months away. So I’m excited, but I’ll have forgotten my excitement by next May.

Anyway, the headliners were Italian trio Zu, who like Kong were very drum-centric. Not as savage as Kong, their music was a blend of avant-garde jazz, math-rock and Rage Against The Machine, and they certainly got me and about six other geeks at the front dancing. ROCK!

Google search autocomplete thrills Posted by Gargleman

Am I extremely terrified of Chinese people? No. Except for Chairman Mao. He's got laser beams that come out of his eyes!

There’s plenty of fun to be had with Google search’s autocomplete feature.

There’s also the worrying discovery that enough people have searched for “is there anyway i can get this popular guy to get me pregnant” for Google to register it as a likely candidate for autocompleting the phrase “is there”.

Popular boys – consider yourselves warned…

This post was inspired by Geekologie, even though I actually had the idea when Google autocomplete first happened and then never got around to actually doing a post about it. Honest!