Follow this advice and you'll be mocked by your own reformed luncheon meat. Forever

1. Go to an industry conference [if only! More likely:] industry conference.

2. Spend the day getting increasingly bored with the seminars/stands/whatever.

3. At the after dinner drinks, discover that people only want to talk about work.

4. Find like-minded souls who also hate talking about work. They’ll be the ones looking awkward round the edges of the hotel bar. 

5. Try to think of a way to get to know them better. Better to start drinking heavily at this point.

6. One like-minded soul ends up asking every one of your new ‘gang’ the following schoolboy-like question:

“You’ve just met the partner of your dreams. In the bedroom your partner has an unusual request. Which of the following would you prefer it to be?

(a) They want to piss on you. (“Watersports”)

(b) They want to shit on you (Coprophilia)

(c) They want to vomit on you (No fucking idea but NSFW.)

7. Embarrassed hilarity will ensue. Almost everyone is sufficiently pissed that they will answer.

8. One will look aghast, refuse and go to actually network with the rest of the jargon-spouting attendees.

9. Your “gang” will all have a great laugh and forget all about work for the rest of the evening.

The only problem is that a year on, the one who left in disgust will now work with the boss, probably living a life of BMWs, caviar and free gym membership [NSFW], whereas your life will involve Fiat Unos, luncheon meat and a blossoming beer gut.

Congratulations!